Fresh Start

A few months ago I started on a new project at work … developing a mobile application for a client. They wanted both an Android app and an iOS app. I was happy to learn something new … something to put on my resume. Then I found out the timeline …

We decided to work on the Android app first (you need a Mac to work on iOS apps, and I didn’t have one and those who have Macs in the office aren’t programmers). The client was told that it would be done by the end of January. That gave me 2 months to get the Android app done along with a website for managing the data that the app displayed and an API to pull the data into the app. And did I mention that I had never developed an Android app before … never written a line of java?

I managed to get everything done before the deadline … 2 days early even. But I skipped out on “Team Reward Day” and put in I don’t know how much extra time (and I don’t get paid overtime). Only one person thanked me for skipping “Team Reward Day” to work on things.

A co-worker was going to start on the iOS app, but he ended up falling and breaking his kneecap and has been out of the office since. That meant that I was the one who would be working on the iOS app. A different co-worker pieced together an iMac and brought it in to the office … it’s now on my desk. I’ve been going through tutorials trying to figure out the basics for the past week or so … I’ve never written any iOS apps either.

I decided to check in with the team today to verify what versions of iOS we were going to support and if there was a deadline set yet for the app. I was told that the initial timeline for the project was to get both the Android app and the iOS app completed in 60-90 days. 2 to 3 months to develop 2 mobile applications when I’ve never written a line of code for either before. Are you frickin’ kidding me? Yeah, I do tend to pick up on things fairly quickly, but 2-3 months to write 2 mobile applications?!?! And both are native applications. And neither language is similar.

When I responded to the message about the timeline that the deadline to have the iOS app done by the end of this month (just over 2 weeks from now) was not possible, I felt like a failure … like an ass … like I was making excuses. My co-worker backed me up saying that the deadline wasn’t possible, but I still felt like a failure. I feel like I’m waiting for someone to yell at me for not working fast enough.

I only have 2 hands … and I don’t get paid overtime. And I’m still making around $2000 less per year than I was at my last full time programming job (in 2008) … and I’m doing more now than I did then.

I’m overwhelmed … I’m stressed out … and I can’t stop feeling like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Some “Fresh Start” I’ve got going, huh?

And have no one to blame but myself.

Why is it that when I’m feeling at my loneliest … when I feel myself falling down the rabbit hole … I retreat … I hide from my friends … I hide from my life?

These are the moments that I need to lean on my friends. Why can’t I just learn to ask for help when I need it?

I try too hard to get people to like me, but I don’t even like myself.

I’m tired of being … all by myself.

I feel so lost.

I was all set to come here and write up a post. It wasn’t a very good post. It was a post bashing myself … calling myself names … being really mean to myself. I decided not to post it. I guess I could call that progress … if I wasn’t still thinking the stuff that I was going to post.

I went on my first walk tonite. I was sitting around my apartment around 7pm bored out of my mind. It was either sit and stare mindlessly at my computer screen, go to bed early (waaaaaay early), or go for a walk. Surprisingly, I picked the last option.

So I quickly shaved my legs (ewww I know … deal w/ it), put on some walking clothes & shoes, grabbed my phone and set out.

I have an app on my phone that I downloaded a while back, Cardio Trainer Pro … I managed to snag it when it was the free app of the day (it’s normally $10). This was the first time I got to try it out. It maps the path you take. It also talks to you. It was a little weird at first, but I ended up liking that. It gives you updates as to how far you’ve gone, how long you’ve been at it, and what speed your going. It was definitely a motivational help.

I wasn’t sure how far I’d go or how long I’d be out. I figured that I’d just go and figure it out when I got to a couple key points. I live not that far from the Prairiewood Golf Course, so that’s where I headed. I walked around the south side ’til I got to my last critical turn. It was either head toward 17th Ave and back toward home or head all the way around the golf course. At the time, I actually felt pretty good, so I headed all the way around. It wasn’t until I got to the far side. I still felt fine but my feet on the other hand … apparently these new walking shoes I have aren’t the best walking shoes after all. The underside of my toes were killing me. But I pushed on. I couldn’t walk as fast as I wanted to ‘cuz my feet kept slipping in the shoes. They’re the right size, but apparently just slippery on the inside.

I thought for sure that when I got home my socks would be covered in blood. But they weren’t. My feet are still killing me … and now my left knee is getting in on the action (which isn’t surprising since it’s been bugging me since yesterday … it felt ok before I left tho). But other than that, I surprisingly feel fine. I feel like I could have gone even longer (if my feet and knee would have cooperated).

I just hope I didn’t overdo it tonite. I wanna keep doing this as long as the weather is decent. When it’s not, I’ve got my elliptical, my Wii Fit, and my Walk Away the Pounds dvd set. I have no excuse now. I started … I need to keep going. I wanna be a skinny bitch.

Here are the stats from this walk:

Total Time: 1:05:36
Distance: 3.8 miles
Average Speed: 3.5 mph
Calories Burned: 386

It turns out that you can save your data online. Here is tonite’s track (click to view full size).

Nothing really exciting has been going on with my work life. Yeah, I built my own custom CMS network that I think is pretty bad ass, but it’s just sitting there. No one has had time to work up a marketing plan for it (since it’s an internal project), so it isn’t being sold. I’m proud of myself for building it, but it isn’t doing anything but taking up space at the moment.

I’ve been working on this CMS for what feels like forever now. I haven’t had a big client project for so long now. Yeah, I’ve had client work here and there, but it’s all been small stuff that was done in less than a day (some in mere hours). I want some client stuff to work on. I want a new challenge. I want something to look forward to when I come to work.

As for my personal life … forget it. What personal life? There’s nothing going on there. I don’t go out very often, so how the hell am I supposed to meet a guy? And even when I do go out, I’m hiding in the corner, so no guys ever even see me.

I am looking for a house, but there hasn’t been a new listing in quite a while … at least in my price range and preferred areas. Robin overheard her neighbors talking about possibly selling their house (one wants to but the other doesn’t). They even put in hardwood floors in the downstairs recently. But who knows if they actually will sell. And who knows what they’ll want for their house or what condition it will be in.

I need something to look forward to. I need something in my life to get excited about. I need something to pull me out of this damn funk … it’s getting really old.

I wish I didn’t care so much what people thought about me.

I wish I didn’t try so hard to try to make people like me.

I wish it was easier for me to make friends.

I wish I was more carefree.

I wish I would just do things rather than thinking them to death first.

I wish I wasn’t such a pessimist.

I wish I was happy.